Realized, And It Feels So Good!

I have come to a realization, which is obvious by the title, but its a realization of which I am deeply and graciously thankful.  It is one of those realizations that lifts a lot of weight off of your shoulders, I think many people know what that means.  It is one where you realize that a certain individual does not mean as much to you as you previously supposed.  Its fantastic! It is such a weight lifted I feel like I could fly! That is, if I wasn’t a fat cow preggo biatch at the moment. Way better than the Redbull wings!

I do understand that the only reason I was able to become so irritated with this person yesterday is due to hormones. Because now that I think about it, this is how Id rather things would be– that he leave me alone.  Its great.  Now if he could keep his compulsive lying down to a minimum, then it would be PERFECT.

I don’t care if he has anyone I know convinced that he is the victim, I know the truth and that is all that matters.  Its a bit fucked that he manages to have my brother take his side all of the time, but that doesn’t speak against me in the slightest. If that is how it is, then there is nothing I can do to change it.  An outsider can be easily swayed with the right words, especially if said person has no idea what I’ve really had to put up with in the past five months.  I REFUSE to go down that road again.  I am burnt out on emotion towards this person.  During the latest text transaction I realized what he wants things to be like: He wants me to be jealous and to actually care where he is or what he does etc etc yadda yadda whoopty whoop whoopty bam!  But I’m not, and I don’t.  I guess this is one thing that he fails to understand.  Why he even bothered to pretend to begin with is beyond me, because now we are right back where we were, only for me.. much less of any kind of feeling in the situation.

The only reason I tried to be nice this time around was for my son, but even my son is not that worried about it.  Yea, he wants to see his daddy sometimes, but he does not blame me for any of it, he is very smart and understands that it isn’t me doing any of it.  And he is a momma’s boy.  So that is a plus, for the most part, lol.  If my son was more worried about it, then Id be pissed that his daddy isn’t even trying for his sake… but that is not how it is. Therefore, I will not sacrifice my sanity any longer.  I am all burnt out, as I’ve said before.  No emotion, Im completely apathetic, to be perfectly honest, I do not think Id shed a tear for anything “bad” happening to him.

The point of this post is to BOAST of the fact that I am finally free.

So, YAY!

 

 

A Bit Of An Update, Followed By Rant.

I haven’t posted much in the past month, so I figured that I would post a recap of what has happened lately. Starting from the beginning? Probably not, and I couldn’t possibly fit it all into one blog, you would probably fall asleep half way through. I know that people don’t usually feel like reading in front of a computer, it hurts your eyes, so I will do my best not to disappoint.  Although, my life isn’t really THAT interesting. Dramatic, yes, but interesting? Eh.

The main thing that has been happening in my life is the pregnancy, for those of you who know, I have been trouble dealing with the mood swings.  I did not have such trouble during my first pregnancy, the second did not end happily, but this third one sure has given me a run for my money.  I assumed it would be as easy as with my son, but its a different gene pool that has been dipped into this time… so maybe that is why.. who knows.

Recently, there was a ton of drama going on in my life due to a website called Topix.com. This website, is supposed to be a forum where people can discuss whatever they want.  In this towns forum, however, its basically a slam book. If you check the site out and take a look at the town, in which I currently reside, you see nothing but he said she said drama… Names of unpopular people and popular people of the like.  All anyone does in this town is spread vicious rumors and start BS in other peoples lives.  I can’t say that I don’t understand though, because trust me, this town has nothing to offer. It might as well be a ghost town, granted, the ghosts are crack-heads, but a ghost town nonetheless.

The drama on this website resulted in yours truly finding one of the people responsible and confronting her.  I can tell you that there was no threat, big belly and all, I simply made it clear that I wanted this mess to stop and that we are too old for it all. We have better things to do, kids to raise, school to attend, etc etc.  Well, within perhaps an hour, her husband was lying in wait for me and my son outside of my doctor’s office, where I was attending one of my prenatal visits. My phone had died, but it was full of threats and apparently he and his wife were outside waiting on me to beat me up, in front of my child, they didn’t care, and they said as much.  Luckily, before my phone died, I managed to contact a friend to get us out of that situation.  All I was thinking about was my son, to get him out of there, and in my opinion I did the right thing.  Looking back, however, I should have had one of the nurses call the cops.  He was inebriated, to say the least, and well… he would have definitely went to jail.  So, I am dragging this story on longer than I intended… This happened a few weeks ago.

Last week, it was brought to my attention again. (I kept receiving updates from others of this man bragging that I deserve an ass whooping and that I will get it one day when I least expect it, yadda yadda.)  My brother then receives a phone call, basically this guy trying to explain himself.  I became very upset, because as far as I am concerned, he shouldn’t be apologizing to my brother and kissing his ass… he didn’t threaten my brother.  Anyhoo!  This stayed with me for a couple of days due to the fact that I am having issues dealing with these hormonal mood swings.  The saddest part about it all is that this child within my womb is the niece of nephew of this “man.”  But, I have decided that he will not have any contact with the child, and he can just kiss my ass if he thinks otherwise.  Its not up to the daddy, its up to me.  Daddy isn’t around. I haven’t heard from daddy in over a week.

My mood swings can get pretty damn bad at times, all it takes is one thing… something very very small… and I go the FUCK off!  I do try my best to calm my self, but it can be very difficult, because not only am I reacting insanely quickly and ten times worse than normal, I also get infuriated by the fact that I am reacting in such a way.  I try to meditate, I try to relax as much as possible… but there is always something… someone who wants to start trouble.  I don’t care what anyone says, I do NOT start this shit, I sit at home and play cards with my bestie.  I also remain at home with my son, he is Autistic, I have enough of my plate.

~Begin The Last Rant On The Issue~

It is not my problem that your life sucks. And if you claim it doesn’t suck so bad, then why are you all up in mine?  Go ahead and keep on doing what you are doing with YOUR life, I simply do not care.  Good luck, for real, because Id love for you to have something else to worry about.  Maybe it bothers you that I am not worried about you at all, maybe it bothers you that I am pregnant, maybe it bothers you that I am me, hell if I know.  But what I do know is that nothing you do can phase me, it might piss me off for the moment since I am, after all, a human being… but I will not drop down to your level, I will not continue to play these games. Grow up and get the fuck out of my life.  Don’t send me messages telling me how you want me to stay far away from you then turn around and start more shit… hypocrite.  LEARN to live you OWN life, and stay the fuck out of mine.  I do not care what you think you are owed, you will receive nothing from me, especially not respect.  I do not respect horrible parents, wife beaters, alcoholics, or anything of the like. Sorry, but you are not good enough to concern me.  This is my final say in the matter.  Go ahead and bump your gums, dickbeaters, fuck your hubbys family members… I. Do. Not. Care.  But I sure as hell wont allow any of you near my family, I wont have them poisoned by such filthy people.  You know nothing of loyalty, honesty, doing what is right, helping other people, or simply being decent. This I know, and always have known, but I stuck by your festering side for years.  I will no longer be dragged down by you.  And as long as you exist, I will never ever allow you to affect me in any way… I have no emotions for you.. good or bad.  I am not even mad at you, because you are pathetic in my eyes and I have better things to do.  Like playing cards with my REAL bestie. Have a nice day cunt, hope all your dreams come true, well… not really, I could care less either way.  I am gonna be just fine, so don’t you worry your ugly little face about me chic. Haha.

~End Rant~

A Loss, And A New Edition

June 4, 2010 at approximately 2 am, I was in the hospital going through a miscarriage.  I was 17 weeks along, which was too early to save him.  His eyes were still sealed shut.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it, especially now that I am pregnant again.

I think back, and its like yesterday that I was laying on that uncomfortable table in the emergency room.  They had just given me some drugs to help the pain.  I have been in labor before, but this pain was so much worse.  I hurt for a couple of days until I couldn’t take it anymore.  As I laid on the living room floor, crumpled over, screaming as loud as I could, I realized what was going on.  Yes, it took me to get to that point of pain before realizing, or rather, I might have been in denial until the pain became unbearable. Who wants to go through that? Part of me wished it wasn’t happening.

My sister drove me to the hospital, and the entire way, I screamed, over and over. Every bump and every turn was agony, and it felt like hours before we walked into the emergency room.  I was hunched over, told the lady at the front desk that I thought I was having a miscarriage and that I was 17 weeks along.  The moment I turned to go give my insurance information, my water broke, and I stared at the floor in disbelief.  The pain grew even worse, if it was possible. All I could think was this CANT be happening.  My sister gave them my info and they put me in a room to wait.  The emergency room seemed to be working at a snails pace.

Within what seemed like forever, they finally gave me a shot to ease the pain, it helped a little.  I was groggy and could barely move, so I just laid on the table, not knowing what to think.  My sister sat beside me, and I am sure she didn’t know what to think either. They looked for the heartbeat while I laid there, they found it, beating strong as if nothing was the matter.  They took me in for an ultra sound, not telling me a thing.  They would not let me look at the screen, and the lady at the computer remained stone faced.  I kept asking for information, please please just tell me what is going on I can handle it.  Not a word.  I guess they kept quiet to avoid my losing control, what little control I had.  Then, after being moved back into the room, the doctor came in, did a check up, then left.  I still laid there, but I knew what was going on, they were going to take him.

I knew for sure when they began the procedure, and all I could do was cry.  My sister, was not in the room during, either because she wasn’t allowed or didn’t want to watch, so a stranger held my hand as I pushed.  When it was all over, my sister came back in.  I was still groggy but not as much, and the nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to know the sex.  I said yes. She said, its a little boy.  Then she asked me if I wanted to see him.  I said yes.  I shouldn’t have.   I held him for as long as I could bare it, then my sister held him for a few short moments.  He was tiny, barely weighed anything.  And in my opinion, looked almost exactly like his daddy.  Same nose, same brow, same mouth, same…

They put me in the maternity ward, I kept thinking that it felt like a cruel joke.  I slept.   And when I awoke the daddy was there along with my sister.  The moment I remember the most, is the daddy asking this in a jokingly manner, So, you wanna try again? And then laughing.  He was absolutely no help in the healing process, because if I would cry he would make me feel guilty for crying, and he then confessed to me one day that even though he hated I went through that, he was glad it happened.  Now, that might be fine and dandy to say AFTER I actually started feeling better, but not on the very day I checked out of the hospital.  To top it off, my mother got upset with me because I wouldn’t have a funeral, she told me I just threw the baby away and turned it into shit all about her.  Fantastic, like I needed that as well.

So this is all I have been able to think about during this pregnancy, and then when at 17 weeks, I grew intensely nervous, but managed to remain calm and simply wait.  For there was no reason found for the last miscarriage, but because of it, this pregnancy was labeled very high risk. So I felt like I was basically waiting for the inevitable hospital stay.  Things are different this time, a different daddy, and a very different life.  A life with less stress and me simply staying away from all the people that caused me stress in the past.  Until recently, I had very little of anything to deal with, until a moron decides that I needed my ass beat due to me telling his wife I wanted the arguing to be put on hold at least.  But, that disaster was averted, so now I am back to being the normal, quiet, never out “kickin’  it”, stay at home momma.

I am now 21 weeks along in this pregnancy, and I noticed a difference with this one– the baby kicks.  I never felt a kick with the last one, but it never occurred to me until I felt the first kick from this one, which was actually pretty early.  This little guy or gal, has a very strong kick and it can be quite uncomfortable, but at the very least I know that things are different.  I kept that in mind, then once I made it to 18 weeks I was only slightly relieved, because lets face it, anything can happen.  But now at 21 weeks, I am past the half way mark and the baby is kicking as I am writing this blog. I still wont allow myself to pick out names, or even buy anything until I find out the sex, which will not be until 28 weeks.  Then I will feel so much better.  I am not stressed out about it at all, but I feel very superstitious.  I guess that is normal for having to go through what I did a year before.

A Single Mother’s Rant

Calling me and demanding anything will not get you your way.  I am sick of hearing all the BS, seriously, its getting so old.  I don’t owe you anything, never have and I never will.  Why wont you just pay your child support? If you did that then Id feel like you were at least trying a little bit.  You tell me over and over that you are paying something, but there is no way, I have called to check.  You are not paying anything back to the state, that is not how it works.  So I bring that up and you assume that all I care about is the money.  No, what little money you would have to pay is no where near enough to help raise a child.  You seem to think that I am doing this out of spite, but I am tired of giving you chance after chance and you start some kind of drama between me and someone else.  I am pretty sure you had something to do with that bullshit between me and my ex bestie, I mean, I know you have been hanging out with her anyway… And I find it hard to believe that you haven’t injected yourself into that situation.  Good for you, because you almost got MY son hurt in the process.  If you were to act like you cared about anything other than yourself, I might have a little faith left.  But all the faith I had in you has completely dissipated.

I don’t know where you get this idea that you can just demand me to jump and I then should jump.  It doesn’t work like that. It never will.  You had nothing to do with him when we were together, which was the best time for you to get to know him.  You would only argue with me that he isn’t Autistic, and tell me that he needed to have it beat out of him.  You would only punish him whenever he got on your nerves, which was all the time,  you were never there for him when he wanted your attention.  All you did was drink beer and play video games, pop pills whenever you could, and do what the hell ever you wanted to do. You never took responsibility and you never helped me with him, ever. I was always the one to do EVERYTHING.  You never were a good father, and I highly doubt that you ever will be.

Telling me that you have called every day and left messages… we back to the lying again?  What makes you think Id be so damn stupid?  What am I supposed to think? Oh, oh goodness, I guess you must have called and my phone simply isn’t showing it, I should just be dumb and believe everything you say! Jump? How high!  In your dreams, buddy.  You never had control of me in the past and you certainly wont have control of me now.  Just because your sperm fertilized my egg, does not mean that you have any real right to say anything, to demand anything, or to even be involved if I see that you are only bad for us.  Sorry, but I have had enough.  There is no point in calling.

Keep on doing what you are doing.  Keep on with the drinking, the popping of the pills, the smoking of the weed…. and the company you keep! Wow, could you have any worse taste in females? Bitches that have either given up their rights to their children or have had them taken away from them…  If you think that I would allow them around my son you are sorely mistaken.  And don’t even get me started on your fucking mom.

Have a nice life asshole, do it far from us.  Keep on doing what you do best, which is nothing for MY son and everything for yourself!  Keep fucking up your life!  I wont let you fuck up mine or MY son’s.  Goodbye motherfucker, piss off.  Grow up and learn what a real man is like!

 

Letting It Go: The Meanderings of Me for the Purpose of Closure

On this cold morning, sitting with a steaming cup of coffee to fend off the chills, I sit and think of this past years events.  So many things have happened.  This town is so full of negativity… the people here really have this high -and- mighty attitude.  Its as if they can do no wrong, no matter what they do, but when anyone else says one word, then oh em gee its retaliation time! Woot! Lets get crazy!  Nevermind that they are adults, some in their late twenties or early thirties, scaring children.  Nope, that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that they punish others for their treachery, no matter what the consequence.  Its always one sided.  Its never fair.  They are always right, everyone else is always wrong.

In one instance I did my best to shove my ego aside and be the bigger person and end the needless drama.  It wasn’t satisfying at all.  But, this is what ADULTS do, they review the information they have at hand, think of who is being affected, and for those involved they put their petty BS aside and end the crap so that other people don’t get hurt.  I could give two shits and a piss if anything bad happens to the people I have had problems with. In fact, I think I would be very pleased with any kind of bad luck they would receive.  But this isn’t about me anymore, its about my children, my son and my unborn child were put in harms way.   And I don’t know if this happens to everyone, but for me, when I see that, all the rest doesn’t matter anymore.  My job is to protect my children, to raise them, and to be a good role model.  Succumbing to dumb ass drama is not part of my job description.   If there was a way to deal with it without involving my children, I definitely would consider it.  But, being that I’m pregnant, people are braver than they normally would be, and that puts the child in harms way.  I am better than that.

People around here thrive off drama.  That is all they care about.  Nothing else matters except the he-said-she-said BS.  Well, I might post about what I’m thinking in my status but I am also living my life. My Facebook is mine, and I will say what I please, just like everyone else will say what they please.  I am a human being just like everyone else, I have hard days and good days, I get angry and happy.  I am very vocal about it, and I could do a lot worse when it comes to status updates.  People are so worried about what other people do or say, and then they also feel like they are an authority over others and think that its right for them to physically hurt that person for simply telling them their piece.  This is my voice, my blog is my own.  And it is not a way for me to start shit with others, this is my venting place, as I am sure others have theirs in other ways too.  So, just because they don’t post it online, doesn’t mean that they are any better, they are still getting it out somehow.  I really, really doubt that all this ruckus from the past few days hasn’t met many ears from the other party.  So it is hypocritical of them to try to start more shit with me simply because I am putting it here instead of going around acting like hot shit to others, who probably don’t care to hear it.

I squashed it, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I wont vent.  Because lets face it, I was affected by it, but not in the way that they would like me to be.  I am definitely not scared for myself, but I did get frightened for my son in this situation, so I did what any decent parent would do, I removed myself from the situation.  Yes, on my side its over, I do not know if it is the same for them.  Because as long as they talk about it, think about it, get upset about it, and keep trying to harass me about it, its not over for them.  I have been stalked for almost a year, and hopefully I managed to get it to end.  But only time will tell.  I have everything saved, the threats and the messages from this past year for the next time.  If there is no next time, fantastic, but I am not so optimistic about that.  I have thought it to be over before in the past and found I was mistaken.  As long as there are people out there that like to start shit, and as long as others will listen, then it will never end.  I have already moved on from a friendship lost, what ever kind of friendship it was I do not know, nothing important according to the other person… I have moved on from the fact that my son will never know his father, not in the way that I wanted him to, but that wasn’t my decision, I was forced to make that decision due to the inability of the sperm donor to grow up.   All of the decisions I have made this past year have been for the better of my son’s life.  And I am happy in all of them.  Now, if only others could be happy in their life and stop feeling the need to prove something to others, this world would be a much happier place.  But it never will happen, so all we can do is try to make the best decisions with the situations presented to us, and ignore those that try to bring us down.

Topix.com

Living in a small town has many irritations.  Here, in Camden, Arkansas, there are always rumors, gossip, drama, and constant he-said-she-said arguments, which, it seems, have found their way onto the internet.  There is a site called Topix that is pretty much a forum site, full of threads of conversations that range from intelligent to just plain idiotic.  There is a section for Camden.  And if anything, I think it is correct if one were to assume that the material within each town forum perfectly represents that town.  If one were to go to that site and type in Camden or the area code 71701, they would be greeted with a plethora of forum threads, mostly labeled with peoples names.  The content can sometimes be entertaining to some, and incredibly infuriating to others.  I do not think that anyone likes to see their name, or some variation of, posted on that particular forum.

I was referred to this site by an online friend.  This friend was very upset about a post which was bashing a young man that was murdered in 2003.  He was a dear friend of mine, so naturally I came to his defense.  That also sparked the inspiration for a previous blog post I call Hiding Behind A Username, which is basically about internet bullying.

If anyone in the town of Camden has a problem with you, they will usually revert to posting your name as a discussion on this website.  Here, they can hide behind a username, like cowards, and say whatever they like to say about you.   And if you respond then it will go on and on and on….

On a personal note, two days ago there was a thread posted about me.  My name was put on there with a slight variation meant to be an insult, which I found amusing… is that the best they can come up with?  Fabulous.  In all honesty, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to post something about me there.  And it only goes to show how deprived some people can be, because it is simply people hiding behind their usernames, as always trying to upset others… and boy do they get upset when that doesn’t work.  It made me laugh!  They do not understand that words on a forum site will not make or break me in any way shape or form.  But to others, it seems to.  Many people get very upset about what is posted about them.  So my message to anyone who is a victim of cyber bullying: keep in mind that the person or persons doing this to you, are most likely living a miserable life and feel the need to make others feel miserable.  Try to not let it get to you.  If anything, laugh it off, because they took time out of their miserable life to post it, and it takes energy and whatever small amount of brain power they have (and I assure you that it takes all of what little they have) to mention you.  If you have haters, that means they are jealous of you, and it usually means that you have something they want but cannot have.

Things Have Changed

I am sitting comfortably with my caramel macchiato flavored coffee, contemplating so many things.  I feel different, looking back at this past year, I feel better.  I moved back to the states under the pretenses that things would actually work out this time with the father of my child. I found out recently that he cheated on me, so that relationship was basically a waste of money, my time, my sons time, and a plethora of other things.  I must admit, I did arrive with a cynicism I gained whilst gone.  Although I did hope for the best, the past always crept up into my mind, and all I could do was to try to not let it get in the way… but it did.  Everything reminded me of the past. Everything.  How I got pregnant and how I was treated during, when I lost the baby and how I was made to feel bad for mourning, how everything was such an inconvenience for the one person that was supposed to love me, but most likely never did.  It was the longest dejavou I ever had.  In my two years away, before I came back, I had healed but not completely.  And now I see that he was his own rebound.  I was proved right in every sense. I was pushed away, again, and now I am thankful that I wasnt sucked right back into the trickery, deceipt, and abuse.  It took a year of my life, but without that experience I would not be who I am today, I would not have moved on in the way that I have.  Not only did I leave him, I ended up with someone that basically did the same things, so the lesson has been drilled into my head. No, I realize now that I was put into a position as to be trapped, yet again, but I wont let it trap me.  Here is a scenario for you, ladies, a man tells you he cannot have kids and you believe him. Next thing you know, your foolishness winds up with you pregnant.  Although it takes two, he basically got you pregnant on purpose, how would you feel if you realized this? I am sure that many of you have been in something of a similar situation.  Yes, it is my fault for being so trusting right after getting out of a relationship that was utter crap.  Also, it is my fault for not taking the necessary precautions “just in case”.  It is my fault for being so damn gullible.  But that does not take the blame away from said man, if you could call him that.  I am very angry about it.  Because I did make it a point to say that I did not want anymore kids, and that I definitely did NOT want to get pregnant because of so many complications in the past.  To be honest it scares the shit out of me.  I am having so many health problems already and I am only 14 weeks along.  So far the doctor says its okay, although it is very high risk.  Part of me definitely thought about abortion, mostly out of fear of losing it again at 17 weeks, as last time.  It is a struggle, because on some days that is all I can think about.  But, part of me does want another kid now, now that I am pregnant and it is done, try to make the best of it, right? Right?   And what about being tied to this motherfucker for a lifetime? OMG.  So as you can see, I am not content, but things have changed.

I moved out of that horrible apartment to be with my mother, because she is in a lot of pain. Her back and legs are pretty messed up due to a problem in her lower spine, something about disks deteriorating, I dont need to know exactly what it is, all I need to see is how it affects her.  So hear I am, to help around the house, and to try to make her rest as much as possible.  She is a stubborn woman, and will get up and do everything she possibly can because she hates sitting on the couch all day.  This woman has worked since she was a teenager, and its nearly impossible to tell someone like that to get on disability and stop working, she is desperate to get back to work.  Her surgery should be next week, hopefully it will actually help her.  I find it hard to believe that she will be allowed back at work. So I do try to make that a point to say every now and then, so she wont be too upset when she finds out that she will have to stay home.  There are plenty of things around here to keep her busy, but she has to get better first, because most of which is hard on the back and legs.  We have a kennel here, with shih tzu dogs.  Loud little fuckers, but you get used to the endless barking.   I remember going out there when I was younger and feeding those annoying shits, but things have changed.

I have a wonderful son, six years old. He has some form of Autism, and let me tell you, it takes patience on the good days.  He asks me all the time why his daddy doesn’t want to see him, because his daddy likes to make promises he never keeps.  But being my child, he understands situations that a child should not understand.  I have explained it to him as best as I can without getting into too many details.  I hope that he doesn’t feel abandoned by his daddy, but actions speak louder than words.  I filed child support, and six years back pay, the papers reached him a couple of days ago.  So maybe he realizes now that I am moving on.   Yes, I have a bit of anger towards him as I do the other guy.  BUT, what matters is that I take care of myself and my son, and my mother, and sort the rest out later.  I do not love either one of them, and if I did does not matter anymore.  Knowing that, I am finally free. And because I am free I am taking time to myself.  Hopefully someone will read this and pass this on, because I am not the type who likes to repeat herself.  To the two most horrible people I have ever met, stay out of my life.  To my wonderful son, don’t you ever change and don’t you ever forget that I am here for you no matter what.  To myself, you go girl, you are doing great and embrace this change of life and heart. You deserve it.

++Update For My Spies++

Yes yes, how very conceited of me! Right?  Sure, you might think that… but if you only knew.  Dammit, if you only knew how dumb it gets!  I have Facebook spies, Myspace spies, so I am pretty sure this blog is seen by prying eyes.   Which, to be honest, I am now so used to it, that if I complain its simply because I am bored.  I don’t mind, because it saves me from having to say it again.  But you know, knowing my luck, when I want them to know certain things… they miss it.  Story of my life.  Its a damn shame (my new favorite saying by my bestie Dusti).

This past week has been insanely dramatic.  Although, a normal day for me is considered dramatic by many people.  So take your drama and multiply it by ten, you have one of my normal days.  Does that explain it enough?  I hope so, because I am running out of clever ways to say it.  Moving on!  There was a bunch of shit talking by some females that we like to call “scary ass bitches”.  That shit talking resulted in a fight.  I can definitely say that I am pleased with the result.

Then, as usual, the grandmother of my son is pulling her normal scheming routines.  I am amazed its gone this long since the last one.  So to catch you up on the latest til now.  I played the decent human being a few weeks ago, as usual, and let my son see this woman as well as his daddy.  Sure, things were fine for two days.  Then, naturally, I began receiving phone calls from my ex accusing me of being involved in an alleged car break-in.  Apparently, the stereo that sat inside it was mine (of which I forgot because it was an inexpensive Wal-Mart bought stereo).  And this was enough reason for him to believe that I schemed up some sort of plan for my man (at the time) to go break into the car, busting the window out, and taking this stereo.  Yep, because I am such a petty bitch that would go through that much trouble to get back a $40 stereo, of which I would have no use for, and therefore put myself in trouble and possibly lose my son.  Yep, that sounds like me! That was sarcasm, for those who do not know.  So anyway,  the point is, I don’t even think the so called break in happened…  And as usual, as soon as I try to be nice to these dumb asses they decide to start all sorts of drama.  That is not including the fact that my ex would also call my bestie and say I said yadda yadda about her, and vice versa to me.

So now, I am ignoring his calls and not sure if I will ever be nice again.  I definitely do not need that dumb shit.  Being that I love my son, I want the best for him, and I am beginning to realize that the best does not involve that part of his family.  Run and tell that please.  Thanks.

Honesty, The Best Policy?

I have not posted recently, due to dramatic event in my life.  Of which I did my best to avoid any collateral damage, but it seems that whenever you think you are doing the right thing, no one is happy about it.  People only care about what makes them feel better, so it seems they would rather I lie to them… right?  I tried, I really, really tried.  There have been situations lately where I have done my best to really be in tune with, or really want to be involved in. Lately, I am finding it all incredibly short lived.   I will not, ever, force myself to do something that I do not want to do.  Its not okay.  It is not a sacrifice that I am willing to make.   I will not EVER sacrifice myself for another grown human being ever again.  The only person that deserves anything like that from me is my son.  And my future little one, of course.

There are no compromises to be made, as far as I am concerned.  If one is not loyal, honest, and true in every sense they do not deserve my attention.  I am not sorry for being this way.  It is my turn to have what I want, and what I need.  I will not stay in this situation because of someone else.  Everything that has ever happened to me, was by my doing.  I do know that.  I wish other people would realize that their lives are as they are due to them, and no one else.  But as long as one is willing to only complain about ones life and do nothing to fix it, I will not be apart of it.  It is time for me to move on, for simple fact that nothing will change.  Nothing will change unless I make the changes.  And if it means to cut people out of my life, then so be it.  I have to think about what is best for me and my kids.

If this is not understood, I am speaking of relationships.  The recently ended relationship I was just in, was not working for me.  This person seems to only be on the defensive, no matter what I say or do.  I will not be with someone who is constantly fighting for control.  And I will definitely not be with someone I cannot trust.  If a guy talks to his ex through messaging and only likes to talk badly of me, well, then he cannot be trusted.  If a guy wont work, or acts like life is too hard, and makes me feel as if its up to me to get shit going, well, then he is not for me.  If a guy can do whatever he wants, leave when he wants, sleep all day, and be up all night, but then when I go somewhere and am getting constant text messages about what I am doing, well, then he is not for me.  It works both ways.

So, back to the point of this post.  I was honest, and ended the relationship.  Now,  it seems that I am the villain, but what people fail to realize is this: staying together or getting married only because there is a child on the way or because you have kids together is the dumbest fucking shit I have ever heard of.  And I think that anyone who does that stupid shit is a moron.  There are a lucky few, that this move actually works for them.  But, being that I was already unhappy–and I made it known so I don’t know why this guy is surprised in the slightest–  I knew I would remain unhappy.  Now, he expects me to just be cool and wait like I waited before for another guy who was a lost cause as well, and comments like “You knew I didn’t have shit” are the wrong ways to handle it.   In the past 7 months it has been the same, I have seen nothing change, so why even try to start a family in this situation.  Why deliberately try to get someone pregnant, knowing damn well you were not going to do anything to actually help take care of said child?!?!  That is what I would love to know, but I am finding myself without compassion.  I am trying to be cool.  But, knowing what I know, knowing that he has claimed to leave before I got pregnant, knowing that he talks to other females about hooking up, or about not loving me.  What fucking incentive do I have to even listen to his lies?  None. None what so ever.

Thanks for reading.

My Life is My Own

“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” — Gerald Jampolsky 

I come to a lot of realizations, which must be a good thing because that means I am learning something each and every time.  I see so many people stuck in the past and holding grudges.  It saddens me, but I have to accept the things I cannot change.  Accepting has always been a problem for me, I resist change like my life depends on it.  Well I used to.  Lately, it doesn’t seem to be that difficult.  When I was younger I never liked to try anything new and I liked the routine I was in, any deviation meant the end of the world as I knew it.  Now, it seems, things have changed, and I welcome this change with a smile and an embrace and keep on moving with a positive outlook like I have never had before.  I was always the one that people could go to, and usually I would help.  I never realized that in all this helpfulness I was neglecting myself.  My life seemed to always be at a standstill simply because others always took precedence over myself.  I would say that this stopped somewhere in the year of 2009.  I had moved away from all that kept me at a standstill, and finally was faced with my own life.. my own problems, my own mind.  I hadn’t realized how much I was NOT at peace with myself.  I had so much conflict within me that it consumed me.  I fell into a state of boredom and depression for a few months.  I was homesick.  With time, that changed and I managed to begin my life anew.  The best thing about it was that I could focus on myself, for once.  I think my time away changed a lot in me.  So much that when I returned here, to this podunk town in the middle of the southern-nowhere, I began to see people for who they really are and saw through the disguises as well.  It came to such a point that I wouldn’t compromise anymore, and old relationship fell away, a part, and shattered into pieces.  The selfishness of myself conflicted with the selfishness of others.  And I see now, that no one ever compromised for me.  How was I not aware of this?  It is strange to look back, but also very pleasing to the senses to see that I am a different person.  Sure, I may be selfish, but in my selfishness I take care of my own family.. for that really is what my selfishness is, my son is my number one priority as well as myself.  Therefore, I was placed in situations where the eccentric movements of others simply made no sense, and I did what I wanted to do, not what others expected me to do.  I think the anger that I receive from these people (who have proven to never really be there for me, but only be there for themselves) is due to the fact that I no longer follow their lead, or let them use me anymore.

There is so much anger on one’s behalf, that when I became pregnant and she found out about it, she sent me threatening messages through Facebook.  Is it really that serious?  What does it matter to her that I got pregnant? Really, because she has her hubby and her family.. but she felt the need to unblock me just to tell me that my soon to be baby will not be a part of her family, and not related to her kids, even though they are related by blood.  Sad.  But it is okay by me.  For it wont bother my kid at all to not know someone they never met… will it?  I let go of our conflict a long time ago, but it seems she holds onto it, and lets it fester, creating and adding more negativity to her already miserable existence.  Why do I speak so ill of her?  Well, this was a friendship that lasted more than a decade, but when I didn’t follow how she was acting– which her actions contradicted one another, one day it was okay to hang out at this place, another day it was blasphemy, and I am not a mind reader– and since I couldn’t keep up, I became the enemy.  Since it was so easy for me to be labeled the villain, I realize that it is very possible I wasn’t considered a friend at all, more like a “frienemy”.  I truly believe that I was kept around for such a reason… one that, to be honest, eludes me.  And this reason, I do not feel the need to ever know.  Because I know what these actions show me, and the words out of this girls mouth are usually a lie, so I will judge it by the actions.  Given the circumstance, jealousy seems to be the only logical reason.  Of course, she would say it was betrayal, but a REAL friend would have confronted me and let me know that whatever I was doing was a betrayal, if it even was.  Because (Confused Yet?) whatever that betrayal was… I am still not aware of it.  From the actions I see that what was expected was this: I was supposed to be all about her, and only do what she did, and not have a mind of my own and be miserable too.  What else? I then find out that whatever this betrayal was, it was building up over the years and she had finally had enough… but she still wont tell me what it is, therefore it probably doesn’t even exist.  I’m thinking that it is basically jealousy that brewed over years and years, and secretly she hated me all this time but kept me around for as long as it suited her.  When I didn’t suit her anymore, she turned.   For a logical person with a brain knows that people aren’t just “supposed to know” these things, you have to have communication, you have to tell someone when they are bothering you.  That is how we learn.  I compare that latent mistake of a friendship to a new friendship that I have now.  First sign of possible trouble, she confronted me and we realized that it wasn’t trouble at all.  That is how you deal with problems. You don’t just sit quiet like a princess expecting people to “just know” things.  That is not how the real world works.  And coming to this realization, I really wish it would have happened sooner, because then maybe I wouldn’t feel so deceived by someone I considered family for the longest.  This was the longest friendship I have ever had, but length isn’t account of value.  For there was never any value in such a friendship, where one is being deceived in such a manner.  I have learned this about a number of people around here.  And I am very glad to be done with these kinds of poisonous relationships.  I do not feel sadness, or loss of hope, or miserable or anything of that sort.  I have a real friend who took this fake one’s place.  And so I am doing very well.  —-I couldn’t say the same for the ex friend, because apparently she isn’t doing well, otherwise she wouldn’t have went through the trouble of sending me those messages. What I do is none of her business, the sooner she realizes that, the sooner she can get over herself—-

Then there is the matter of my ex fiance, my baby daddy, or whatever you want to call him.  He just got out of prison a few days ago, so I finally had to face reality.  I finally had to face myself, what my actions brought me, and whether or not I had actually moved on.  I cannot say exactly, for I became so mixed up that I couldn’t really talk much.  It was very awkward, for I am now expecting someone else’s child.  Shoe is on the other foot so to speak.  He has a child with someone else, so I can understand what it must feel like for him right now, if it bothers him at all that is…   The past few days have been kind of uneasy, for I wasn’t sure how I felt about it all.  He is the father of my child, so I will always feel something for him.  That will never change.  But how much do I feel?  Is it my hormones that made me emotional when I left after letting his kids see him (my son and his half sister)?   I think I have to accept the fact that it will always be an emotional subject for me, for the relationship caused me a lot of pain.  I wont put the blame on him alone, it was both of us who were in the relationship, but I will never forget any of it.  And THAT is why I decided to end it.  I will never be able to trust him, for the fact that I couldn’t in the past.  Even if he were to miraculously change and not be a cheater, or be an asshole, it wouldn’t make a difference.  I realized that while sitting there, listening to him tell me how it was gonna be and what I needed to do.  He hasn’t changed, he still thinks he can order me around and that he is smarter and that he somehow has authority over me in some way.  If he wouldn’t have been a dick to me the other day, I might have felt a little differently, but the fact remains that this is why I left him.  I wont be told what to do, especially with my own life, or with the child that I raised by myself.  It is not a right, not for him, for he was never there, it is something that he will have to work for, and prove that he is worthy of.  I will not compromise or let myself be used again. I will not just let him do whatever he wants as he always did in the past.  If he wants a relationship with our son, HE will have to make the effort. Not me. I wont do it.  This outweighs whatever feelings I may have.  And undoubtedly, there are feelings.  There are more negative ones than positive. That saddens me, but, it will take time to get on good terms, if ever.   I need to think about what is best for my son, and what is best for this bun in the oven, and what is best for myself.

When it comes to the one I am with now, I really hope that he figures things out.  I know that he wants to get married, since we do have a little one on the way.  But, I will not get married for that reason.  That is the one reason I will not marry for.  I am not even sure that I ever want to get married.  Whatever belief in marriage that was in my mind has been destroyed, it is nothing sacred in my eyes. I do not think it is necessary, and I don’t find it magical in any way, or even romantic.  I believe it causes more problems than anything else.  And the way that I want things right now, is to live separate and to keep what we have now and not commit any further for the time being.  That is what I want right now.  That may change one day.   That does not mean I do not love him, it just means I am incredibly cautious and have issues I have to work through on my own.  And I am sure that he does as well.  I want him to take care of himself before he starts thinking of taking care of me, like he says he wants to do.  I do not need to be taken care of, I have always taken care of myself. And I am going to be okay regardless, so I have made sure to say so… and hopefully he finds a way to be more positive and gets things in order like he needs to.  Everything will be okay.  And I hope he knows that.  :)