Coffee Break

This day has been one of contemplation.

I am finding the distance between me and my goals to be profoundly perplexing.  I am not sure how things will coincide with my minds view of the world.  The end results seem so abstruse, I’m bewildered and appalled at the same time.   I know my desires for the future… and I know that those desires are being reciprocated in the one I love.

I find myself tremendously strained, being that I indulge on my health and my issues for the future.  My anxiousness does not compare to that of my exasperation.  Not only do I have these things on my mind- my future, my life with my family in the states, and providing for my child.- but I also have the irritation of those around me who inflame the very essence of irritability within my conscious on a daily basis.   I do try to understand, yet it is confounding in its existence that I am seen as but a child in the eyes of some.  After ALL that I have been through, I would not call myself a child in the least, I may not be the most mature… but I am not a child.

I categorize myself as a young adult- which is appropriate considering my age.  Funny as it may sound, I have been in this category since age six.  I grew up in a dysfunctional home, as so many of us have, and as a young child I had to grow up quickly.  For some reason, certain individuals seem to consider this something of a crutch, a weakness.  Which I do not share that point of view.  Being raised by an alcoholic basically means raising yourself and attending to the alcoholic, which is backwards but tends to be that way as far as I am aware.  I understand the idea of putting yourself in situations, unhealthy ones, due to the people you grew up with… but basically I am being told that I do it no matter what… and that I like it… because of the way I am accustomed.  So there in lies the irony… I have three choices… to live here and be talked down to like I HAVE an illness, to move there and be talked down to like AM a burden, or – the better of the three and the choice which I have made- to live there, on my own, away from the condescending characteristics of those who think they know better, and to have MY family the way that I see fit.  Not really a difficult choice.  As noble as they believe themselves to be, they are being exactly what they tell me I put up with… so its a fair assumption… but I am making the choice and working to leave these conditions behind and start a new life.  Even though its in the middle of fucking nowhere, it is where I want to be for the time being.

A decision I have made, and am sticking with, is leaving the past where it fucking belongs… in the past.  I am not going to any meetings to tell me that I am some kind of a weakling because my mommy didn’t care enough to stop drinking, or because I have people in my life that have had or have now some form or another, and abusive mentality and addictive personalities.  Fuck that.  I am who I am because I had to endure such blasphemy.  I am me. I am a mother. I am a poet. I am a writer.  I am a lover. I am a friend.  I am a good person.  And I do not need anyone other than myself to tell me otherwise. Because of my trying times I am patient in a lot of situations where others are not, but at the same time I am impatient in smaller situations.  I have an ability to look past the facade of most, I feel like I am psychic because people are so predictable.  Growing up with the dysfunction has taught me to see things that most people raised otherwise would not, and I am thankful for having to put up with all the shit, because I am all the wiser now.  As I said, I am me because of it.

I have many positive qualities as well as negative.  I do not need fixing in any form by any outside influence.  I mold myself the way that I see fit.  And you would think that people understand that by my defiance to change the little things, such as peeling a potato or cutting a leg of lamb, to the larger things such as the way I discipline my child.  Oddly enough I see contradiction in everyone, they say one thing but then when it comes down to it they react just like anyone else would to any given situation.  And I am supposed to follow this example?  I would rather do what comes naturally to me, and not conform to the popular opinion.

When it comes to who I choose to be with, its exactly that… who I choose…  And the way I raise MY son….  keyword there… MY.  An uncle, aunt, or grandparent will not agree with the parents  methods, they seem to think they know better.  Whether they have experience or don’t.  A grandparent is doomed to spoil the child, they can not help it (in my experiences only, I am not making a judgment call on anyone).  And the ones I deal with, tend to think that they are the authority on the issue without question, and become personally hurt with my defiance of their methods, when at the same time, they undermine my methods exquisitely.  So its a vicious cycle of an undying battle. For which I see the only solution to be to cut my losses and get the fuck out.

so there.

Envision of Self

As of late, I have been anxious and nauseated. I am on constant alert in this place.  Everyday I wonder what do I have to explain or justify today? I cannot seem to ever find peace, I am walking on egg shells and its becoming rather redundant.  If I am not careful, then the way I move threatens the very security of those around me.  Apparently, I do not only move in the wrong way, I think, eat, talk, and decide in the wrong way. I am just a fucking idiot who has no idea of the world around her.

The entire time that I have tried to live in this country, I have been uneasy.  But how do I tell people that? Especially when they are the reason for my uneasiness?  From day one, I have been scolded for the way I move the food around on my plate, for the way I peel a potato, for the way I talk and do not talk… So now I am being told that a big decision I have made is a bad one, and maybe I would consider their opinion had they not trampled over my every trait as if it were insidiously diseased with imperfection for an entire year and a half before this.  I want to say a lot, but I know it will just be attacked and dismembered like a leper. I do not possess the patience to listen to such nonsense, because that is what I consider it to be, utter nonsense and bile from bitter people.

I am so tired of being told that I have problems, that I need help, a group therapy session… I was told yesterday, since I was raised by an alcoholic that I am diseased with terrible illness of the mind and need to go to a support group.  If this person who uttered such nonsense knew anything of my beliefs I would have lost my cool and went on a rampage of tremendous fury.  But, as calmly as I could, I told him that I believe I am just fine.  In fact, I am more than fine, I am the person I am today because of the life I have lived, and guess what? I feel no need to “fix” myself.

I have anxiety issues.  But I have not been diagnosed with it, I have not gone to a doctor… It is not something out of my control, yet. Some people have it much worse than I do and do need help with it because it overcomes them completely.  Mine seems to be a product of my environment, and the fact that I do not want to be here has a lot to do with it.  I was asked yesterday why the sudden change in decision… when it is not a sudden change in thought, I was trying to convince myself that I did not want to go back. I was angry and full of hate because I thought that I was not wanted there. And on my trip to visit everyone I was shown the opposite of what I held to be true. I have wanted to live in the states and to be doing what I am planning to do now, I just needed to see that I had the option. I saw that I did have it… and thus explains my decision.

When I left the states, it was sudden.  And the reaction of everyone was just as sudden… I had been kicked out of my parents house (pathetic yes), I was at a very low point in my life. I had mentioned it to my family here that I wanted to come for a while and work, and the ticket was bought before I ever even realized it. So in a way I was thrust out of the environment that I knew.  It was a culture shock to say the least. And I never felt so alone in my life.  The reason for it, I believe, was to make me realize that I could handle the feeling of being alone, in fact, I prefer it, most of the time. But at the same time, my visit shown me just how much I missed the people in my life and how much I really love the one I am now with.  A realization of such grandeur can not be easily ignored.

Logically, I fully understand and comprehend the point my family is trying to make. What pisses me off is that they act as if I am not aware of the past problems that I have dealt with. I am FULLY aware… and I am confident in myself that I can handle whatever comes my way.  I can not remain in this place with the way that I feel right now, it is getting to me, and it is making it difficult on my relationship with my son.

According to a certain individual, I am not even thinking of my son, and that I am destroying his future… yeah tell me that and expect a good response! I believe it to be in his best interest as well as mine.  And that no one else can see that is their problem.  And I am not willing to have to explain myself. I am trying to, but they are making it rather difficult.

Let me end it by saying this… I am FULLY aware of all the reasons people disagree with me.  And I can feel the undertone of the conversations to be not about me, but about them.  Finally I said that the time I have spent here has been a trying one. I have been on a fucking roller coaster trying to figure out what to do with my life.  And now I know where to start. So just be happy for me. And understand that I am an adult, and if I fuck it up, then it is on me.  I know this, I have been saying this all along.  But this is something that I have to try, otherwise I wont be able to live with myself. End of story.

Echo

A darkness stirs within, as I listen to the screams of some young thing writhing in agony. The trees evilly grin, as my sorrow filled nightmare becomes my reality. I lay in silence, awkward and cold.  I hold still, as I do what I am told. There is an aching in my chest, there is a numbing in my knees. I sink into my hollowness in desperate times like these.  I wont let them take me.

Deep inside this prison, a darkened evil stirs.
It screams and writhes in agony as I let it burn.
I watch it flail and crumple, contort, distort and churn.
Alteration taking hold, soon it is your turn.

Needles stinging innocent skin,
No one sees the damage within.
They mold and shape a life of sin,
Just to watch it die again.

As unknown forces tear the sheets,
Spiders feast on rotten meat.
They sing and squirm with little feet,
Making form seem obsolete.

We lay in silence dead and cold,
Holding still just like we’re told,
While beaten dumb with laws of old.
With minds destroyed, our souls are sold.

Our children grow as mindless sheep,
We give them to The Man to keep.
God forbids we wake from sleep,
And see the truth of what they reap.

Our death of mind and heart and soul
Is so blatantly held cold
within the grasp of collective told
So we do not see the truth unfold.

So few of us can intervene
We hold a candle in the stream
Letting those who’ve all but seen
find us in a distant dream.

With closed mind you wont proceed,
A wanton mind must be agreed,
You have to say it yes indeed
Before you find us, guaranteed.

Kat Grumbles

Sitting in the passenger seat, I watch the rain drops slap the windshield, sideways rain.  I watch the light turn green, and the car jolts a bit and starts to move.  Then I hear a slight grumble coming out of the female driver, which gets louder and louder.  It sounds like a baby crying.  I can not help but laugh out loud.  She just giggles and keeps driving.  She is young, barely seventeen, with black hair and blue eyes.  Her natural hair color is unknown to me.  Within a few moments we reach my apartment building.  I thank her for the ride as I am getting out of the car.  My pink Samsung cell phone falls onto the ground, bounces twice, and glares up at me with dabs of water on the screen.  Fantastic.  The driver laughs and points, then says she will see me later.   I pick up my phone, close the door laughing, and proceed up the stairs to my apartment.

Why am I writing about this? Because I think its hilarious. This girl is definitely a character.  She is my coworker.  Let’s call her Kat.

With six full tables, we take turns in taking orders, filling soups, and preparing the drinks.  I stand at the soup and proceed to pour for two, Kat walks past me and whispers, “Eat shit.“  I pretend I do not hear her, with a small grin on my face and keep working.  I take the soups over to the table and take the order of another.  I walk back to the counter, hand her the ticket, give her a fake glare and grab the drinks.  She pours the soup this time.  I walk past her and whisper, “Eat dick.” This goes on for the entirety of the day when the customers are in. Naturally we do not want to disturb their meals, so we whisper and giggle silently. Mostly what we say to each other is EAT this and that… eventually we run out of things to say that are considered improper for a lady… and begin to name off random objects, eat table, eat soup, eat fork, eat toilet bowl…

There is a swinging door between the diner and the kitchen.  Kat stands by it talking to the cook. I notice she is bent over a bit. I  come hauling ass through the door, kicking it as hard as I can. THUMP on her back side. She lets out a yelp and a laugh that luckily was not heard in the diner… I think.  Then as I am about to walk out of the kitchen I hear a baby crying and look over my shoulder, its Kat, pouting as innocently as she can and is speaking to the cook.  The cook walks over to me and says “stop beating up Kat,” with a stern look on his face and a wink.  She leaves the kitchen with her head held high, and the cook mutters to himself.  Then he dances in place and drops something in the fry cooker.

Back in the diner, I am at the counter cleaning. I hear a psst and look up.  Kat’s toothy grin, her eyes lit up, and a straw sticking out of each ear.  Smiling, and trying not to laugh with a cackle, I throw a piece of ice at her.  She ducks.  The ice hits the wall with a crack and breaks into a million pieces.  “hahahahaha!” She points and laughs.  The corner table, being the last in the diner with anyone sitting at it, has four sets of eyes staring at us… Kat still has the straws in her ears.

An hour later, the four eyes decide its time to head out, pay and laugh and joke with us for a minute.  I am picking up a few pieces of trash on the counter as Kat is running the register.  I notice a wet washcloth sitting by its lonesome.  I pick it up and twist is as Kat is not looking.  The customers leave.  SNAP! Another yelp, and a washcloth fight begins! Back and forth, she misses every time. I manage to get two good lashes in.  The two cooks on duty stand there shaking their heads… as if in deep disappointment.  We stop, look at the cooks.  The cooks look stern.  Then the taller cook, blonde with blue eyes and about six feet in height, pushes me into the wall and grabs the washcloth.  I run as fast as I can out the back door… I forgot it was raining, slip and land on my butt.  The cooks and Kat laugh and point, and decide there is no more damage that could be done to my ego for the day.

Time for lunch! Kat and I leave.  We are in the car at the red light, she lets out the grumbling baby noise…  And I laugh.

 

Exasperation

Ex⋅as⋅per⋅ate: to irritate or provoke to a high degree; annoy extremely.

I find myself feeling this way lately, by a number of things.  Let us begin with the usual set of events that happen on a regular basis.  Dealing with an “autistic” child is hard enough, but then having another adult around undermining my every decision is quite another.  When I discipline my child, and someone else comes along and gets their nosy nose all in the situation, my child gets the bright idea that he can call on this other individual to get out of whatever disciplinary action I decide to take.  So, needless to say, it begins a great deal of trouble on my part.  I have to fight with my child and another adult every day just to get things going the way that I believe they are supposed to be.  I am the mother, am I not?  Should I not have the first say in my sons life?  Apparently, according to the other in this house, I should not.  But, I will put up with it, for now, because I am leaving in a few months and I know that this person will miss my son.  It drives me nuts either way.  So I continue this struggle every day, and do the usual, “hey leave him alone he is in trouble” routine,  and then go on about my life as I always do.  It stays with me, until I lay my head down at night, because it is the most disrespectful thing I can think of. To get in between a parent and child is really uncalled for.  Being a grand parent gives you no authority.

I have so many things to do, and time is not going fast enough.  I have a check list. In a few days I will be ordering the tickets to head back to the states. I will have to wait, I can not take off right away because I have to be able to pay for these tickets.  So a couple more paydays are sufficient.  I am also saving a bit so that I have something when I first get there, I would rather not be completely broke for the first couple of months while I am trying to get settled in.  So that is a little more time, I am trying to be patient.  On my checklist, are the tickets and the saving up money, along with getting a hair cut, buying socks, and figuring out how to connect this printer to the fucking computer. It is not a question of hooking up chords.. it is about finding the damn disk that I need to download whatever it is that is supposed to be on there… I am so not printer connecting literate! It is not only a printer, but a scanner with a bunch of other things on it… I do not even know what else that piece of machinery can do.  Like I said, computer-slash-printer-connecting-thingy-illiterate.

Another item on my list, stamps. So I can check that off. I have written the letter so now I have to send it.  These things of which I speak may seem as trivial to anyone else, but it is basically all I deal with at the moment. When it comes to my spiritual side, I am in the process of research and once I become more knowledgeable, perhaps I will have that to talk about.  I am very excited about that.  So next I will talk about what I consider to be perfect timing and why I think things DO happen for a reason.

As aggravating as it may be,  I came back for a reason.  Those reasons were unknown to me, and I did not want to come back. I wanted to stay with my man and get to living our life together.  There was something within me that would not let me stay.  Logically, I was thinking that since I said that I was coming back, I should. I have a glitch, where if I say I will, I do it.  I think I am a woman of my word…  which may be a value to most but to me it is fucking irritating.  So that is what I did, I come back here, with the plan of leaving again.  I get back to doing what I always do which is hang out on the internet.  I go through my yahoo email and take a look at a group, of which I am a member, and realize that I have not looked through it thoroughly enough.  I see a plethora of files, which I wanted to read immediately, because these are books of information of which I had been searching for… that had been there the entire time.  And I know this is vague but I do not know how else to say it, because I am not willing to divulge the information yet.  I can tell you that I am studying all I can, and that I am Luciferian.  I will not be a fool as to say that I am wise.  And thus, I must leave you with just that little bit of information as I move along the path of self evolution.

‘Occupational’ Hazard

Hanging out in chat rooms, having a profile in any way shape or form, tends to bring out the crazies. Even if you feel comfy in that place. I love to chat to pagans. They at least have interesting things to talk about. But every now and then you get a private message from someone who wants to either give you a reading or receive one. I am not comfortable with telling someone online that I have never even chatted with before, any of my personal information or simply my thoughts. I enter a chatroom and usually what I “walk right into” is some kind of conversation with one telling certain individuals that they are special and have great power yadda yadda yadda… I find it disturbing to a degree, due to the fact that whoever these people are, they are taking advantage of younger, more gullible, people. These young adults come into a religious chat room to find some sort of help or guidance, while this perv is trying to send them private messages to take advantage of their ignorance.
So, I am in this chat today and receive a private message from someone I have never spoken with before. It starts of okay, just casual conversation. Then starts the fluffy bunny bullshit: “I can tell you have great power, that you are a strong person who hasn’t fully realized their full potential, with my help you can be GREAT.” yeah….. sure.
It is insane to me that people actually fall for that kind of shit. But people do, that is just the way it is. There are genuinely good, misguided people on the internet everyday, who join groups and sites in search for some solace. Then there are also egotistical, predatory people on the internet everyday, who join groups to look for “yuppies” to take advantage of.

Drucilla the Eccentric on Yahoo blogs…

I am crazy, according to the popular vote, the social norms, as it were. I like to believe that it is because I have “autistic” symptoms. The diagnosis of High Functioning Autism is a way to label free thinking individuals as handicapped, claiming that they do not have the necessarily skills to function in today’s society, hence labeling them as such leads others to ignore their ideas and movements… which in turn, protects the shield that covers the eyes of the day to day person, leaving them blind from the truth and keeping them in line like good little sheep… unaware of the reality around them. My son has been diagnosed with such a slanderous term, yet I will not allow him to use it as a crutch. While filling out the paperwork, on his behavior, I noticed that I behave, even more so, like an autistic person than he does. So I brought that to the attention of others, docs, teach, and my family, and they all agree that I am autistic. Lucky for me, I did not grow up with the “karma” of such a label. I was basically just considered weird, which I learned to embrace. I was offered the chance to go get a scan and to be diagnosed with such a label, yet I refused. I did not need it as a child and I definitely do not need it now. I will use the knowledge of this experience to guide my son, to let him know that he is not handicapped. And to stand by him in his life decisions, and only guide him in the best way that I possibly can. It is a firm belief of mine, that although I am his parent, he has to learn on his own. The only thing that I can really do is to help him be aware of the good and the bad of all decisions, however small or large they may be.
I would like to take the time to now direct you to my wordpress blog. Eluding Atrophy is a blog in which I created months ago, and is getting a lot of views. What I write about is a lot like this blog I post now, along with my opinions of current events, and my fight with those around me… be it about religion, today’s society, and the social norm. Also, on the right of the blog, there is a link to a facebook application, NetworkedBlogs, by which you can follow my blog on Facebook.
So, that is my introduction. Like it or not.

Is it me or you?

I am an avid facebook user. I am always online, when I am not at work, and I like to change my status quite often, whenever it tickles my pickle. A lot of my FB friends have different beliefs than I do, and they never seem to complain (to me) about the things I say in my status, yknow, free speech and all that.
Yesterday, I updated my status with the following: … is about sick and fucking tired of this religion shit that people keep spewing these days. stop it. its painful to watch you lie to yourself.
It is a bit harsh I admit, but I was in a pissy mood, I had just finished reading an article written by an athiest (good article by the way) and it reminded me of all the things that I had to deal with in the past, and so that status update came out. I continued with the comment: responsibility to the responsible, stop trying to alleviate your responsibilities by saying its gods will… that shit is driving me batty. it happened bc you let it happen you fuck.
I was NOT directing it at anyone in particular, and frankly, I have said worse things than that. It just so happened, that a young lady was online and saw this status update… she comments right after and asks the following :Are you an atheist? what are your beliefs? just curious.
So I responded that I am “pretty much an Athiest”. As I posted that, I decided to look on this persons page, to see what the religious views said… Baptist. Due to that I assumed that I would then see a comment about needing to be saved etc. But not even that happened. A few hours later, I got curious and looked to see if this person was online and went to her profile, I had been deleted! I could not even be mad, I wondered if it was my religious views: Luciferian or if it was due to me saying that I am something like an Athiest. So, I emailed her. I asked if she deleted me because I am not a christian, she replies : No, its because you are an Athiest!!!!” Like she is fucking appalled or something.
She continues with that I should have respect for her beliefs and yadda yadda. So, what I gather is, that I should have respect by pretending that I believe in a deity? or maybe I should respect Christians while they have no respect for Athiests what so ever? I told her that she is no better than I am by deleting me for that reason alone. I definitely do not show respect for people like that, “respect my beliefs while I shit on yours!” is what she might as well have said.
To me its not a matter of respecting another person’s beliefs, it is a matter of shutting the fuck up about your beliefs when you know that person does not want to hear that shit. I have every right to say what I want on MY facebook status. I have several, or more, baptists and other christians who say god is good or whatever in their status. You don’t see me telling them that they need to respect the fact that I do not believe in their god and that they should stop talking about it in their status update. It is completely trivial shit. It annoys me on a bad day, but I do not get offended because someone says that god gave them the strength to win a football game or something…
There is one user, on my friends list, that says things like: You need to repent so you dont go to hell etc.
If I were like that person that deleted me, I would be writing him and saying things like stop trying to force that shit on me blah blah blah. But guess what?!? Im not doing as such.. wanna know why?!? Because it is a fucking facebook status update. That’s why!
Holy shit, I can not even continue…. Its making me irate.

Scare Tactics

I was rummaging through my favorite blogs and came across a story of a Halloween Book Burning that is to be held by a Baptist church. I was absolutely appalled because they not only are burning books, but music(all kinds), and all other versions of the bible aside from the King James Version. Destroying all of “Satan’s Works”, they call it.
So here I am with a dilemma, I want to write all I can about it but I have to back it up with links, but at the same time I do not want to post those links because I do not want to direct you towards such heinous information, such things could destroy the very fabric of ones existence! Yes, it is that bad. But of course, I can not assume that you are weak minded enough to fall for such drivel. So I might as well go on with the post I intended.

I wont say that all of Christianity is truly Evil, although, denying it does go against my better nature. But this site definitely makes me cringe. According to them, just about everything is the work of SATAN (cue scary music). They even go into detail of how Disney, yeah, is EVIL and the WORK OF SATAN. I am amazed. They show pictures of how there is definitely connotations of sex in their films…. which, I wouldn’t even consider that a bad thing… I must be evil. But any of which could have been photoshopped into the works to satisfy their need of destroying all that is this world. And really, if these pictures were not doctored up in some way, is that really such a horrible thing? I mean, are we all going to hell because we have watched The Little Mermaid as kids?
I have been clicking and clicking on this site to see what is on it, and it is endless. Not only do they talk about Disney, but all of television… Charmed, Buffy, Harry Potter… all naturally works of Satan… Witchy they call it, is works of SATAN!!! AHHHH BEWARE THE WORKS OF SATAN!
Even Passion of the Christ is a way to undermine the lord and savior… notice I do not capitalize the lord and savior hehehe I am so EVIL!
As human beings, we get offended by something at some point in our lives.. this one is mine. Going through this site I found how they claim that Narnia and Satanism are one in the same. Remember the goat man named Mr. Tumnus? They say he is depicted from Pan, the pagan god of sex… hmmm.. Pan is actually the horned god of hunting and is a masculine figure. Usually the fertility goddess is the once that represents sex not only as a physical pleasure but also as life and giving life and birth of nature and all things.
Apparently, the scenes that Mr. Tumnus and Lucy share represent pedophilia!!! A man trying to lure a little girl into his house. You have to be really twisted to assume that the reason for that scene is to say, “hey, pedophilia is A-OK”.
I find it hilarious, because when I was in high school I was told that the entire story of Narnia was somehow symbolism for Jesus’ rise up to heaven. (don’t quote me on that, but I went to a school in the south, it may just be that they assumed everything was somehow related to their god.) To read more on the insanity of their twisted view of Narnia, click here.
Then they just had to do it, they go into the story of Pan’s Labyrinth. I adore that movie. Guillermo Del Toro is a genius! I love his work, he made Hellboy II worth watching! But their TWISTED SENSE OF GOOD AND EVIL KNOW NO BOUNDS! Take a look at the link, I wont even repeat that nonsense on my blog… blech!
Moving on from their view of television and movies… I clicked again and this time came across their term for Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing. Apparently, Martin Luther is EVIL. What they fail to recognize, is that if it were not for that man, protestants would not have been born.. we would still only have Catholics and Roman Catholics (which they hate just as much.) Martin Luther is the man that nailed that letter to the door proclaiming Lutheranism. He went against the Catholic church, you would think this site would be happy about that. But nooooo of course not. Here is the link >> Judge it yourself.
Those are just some of the links. If you go to the main site, beware! In all seriousness, this site is ridiculous and destructive to everything on this planet, especially our own minds. Their twisted sense of good and evil is just … well… blasphemous! I am not a religious person, but I am offended by their misrepresentations of EVERYTHING. They are putting out a message that is horrific for todays youth. And I will tell you one thing, I will not be exposing my son to such ludicrous brainwashing.

watch this video